The Year I Stepped Off My Path
This post was originally sent out to my mailing list on December 17, 2016 but I’ve decided to share it here to help keep myself accountable and for anyone that might need to read this message. Warning: Adult Language ahead;
I’ve been processing everything that happened the end of this year as I begin to plan and dream for next year. I had to go through some deep emotions to get ready to move on and start fresh. So there’s a bit of strong language here there I don’t usually use. I’m not going to apologize for it, but I”m going to warn you so if that kind of thing offends you, stop reading now and I’ll catch you in the next email.
My word was “Allow” but there wasn’t much allowing going on in my world. Don’t get me wrong. There were some magical moments and truth be told, I had lots of good times but allowing, not so much.
I pushed the wrong rocks up the wrong hills. I tried so hard.
I continued to try to bend this way and that to make everyone happy.
I let myself over-manage my children.
I let myself say yes when my soul was screaming no.
I let my family bail me out of a failing Kickstarter.
I let myself treat my body like crap. Cookies for breakfast and coffee fasts quickly became the norm. I went down 10 pounds in two weeks and up 15 in the next two.
I let my customers down by not finishing a promised free course. I burnt out on business and then tried to jump back into to doing everything the same way and burnt out again.
I let anxiety rule me.
I let myself go numb. I couldn’t cry, get angry or feel joy. And feeling my emotions deeply is the way I navigate life.
I let lots of things happen but I did not allow myself to unfold. I did not allow myself to say what my heart said needed to be spoken. I did not allow myself to admit my mistakes and cut my losses. I did not allow myself to unfold to the next step in my development. I didn’t allow myself to feel.
The next steps of spiritual development required more honesty and openness than I was willing to give.
I began telling myself that I was just too sick and tired. I went on like this back and forth for months on end. The thought of allowing was more frightening that the thought of staying stuck.
My mantra was “I’m tired.” Over and over, I kept telling myself “I’m tired”
I know better. I know that what we affirm we create but I didn’t care because I’d already created it and I was afraid to move beyond it.
It has finally hit me that what I am tired of was my own bullshit.
I am tired of escaping conflict by any means necessary.
I am tired of playing it safe.
I am tired of pretending that I am not just hanging out in the shallow end on the pool.
I am tired of hiding my true self from everyone, most especially myself.
But all is not lost. 2016 still has 14 more days. 14 days to allow myself the freedom to be who I am.
14 more days to love myself, weaknesses and all.
14 more days to allow all of these thoughts to pour out onto the page and allow myself to process them and feel deeply.
14 more days to realize that allowing often requires backbone. Because it’s much easier to hide and tell myself lies.
14 more days of knowing one more class, one more technique or one more coaching call is not going to fix me. I don’t need fixing. I need loving. I need to love myself as I am and allow myself to be. This is my plan for the next 14 days. To take it easy on myself and allow my plans for next year to emerge.
As for 2017, my word is Warrior. Another word that made me nauseous when it announced itself to me.
But “Warrior On” I shall. That’s right little ‘ole me who dropped out of Tae Kwon Do classes after 2 months when I was 40 because I had to spar with an opponent. Fighting and combat are not in my vocabulary. But they will be.
I will stand for my beliefs. I will speak and take action when it’s called for. I will be a warrior for my own evolution. I’ve ordered my Goddess Warrior training manual and signed up for sword training. I’m ready for battle. Here’s one of my favorite quotes from the Goddess Warrior Training so far:
“I don’t want to get to the end of my life and find that I lived just the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well. —Diane Ackerman”
I will live the width of 2017. I haven’t been a warrior before so I’ll make more mistakes and fail at least a time or two but I’ll be there for me every step of the way. I’ll get up, dust myself off and keep moving like every good warrior does. I’m kinda of frightened but I think most warriors are. If you want to join me, come to the FREE Facebook group that I’ll be revamping for 2017’s Year of the Warrior.
What about you? Did you chose a word for 2016? It’s a magical process even when it goes wonky. Even though I stood at odds with my word during 2016, I accomplished more with it than I would have without it.
Will you live the width of 2017? What word will guide you on your path?
Leonie’s workbooks are a fabulous way to connect with not only your word of the year but your goals, dreams and plans. I’m an affiliate for her because I love her products and if you purchase through my link I’ll give you free access to my Create Your Magical Year course. Just send me an email and I’ll get you the free sign-up link. (And they are on sale 50%off right now)
Namaste & Hugs,